I do have an epic downside of trying to make summaries on new years and birthdays as some sort of milestones. Even though during the year I can barely remember own age and the current year without a calendar, around these dates I get huge panic attacks that can be generally discribed as “so what did you reach by now?”
Well, a spoiler alert, I’m never happy with the answer.
This time I even decided to take a few days of time out for being completely alone to figure some things out.
Yeah, by this time you’ve probably realised, but just in case a disclamer: the post is gonna be very personal, there’s nothing meaningful to read XD
It’s all about finding life’s balance, bitch
It might sound like a complaining but it’s more of story telling…
I was sick a whole year. Last september I started not to feel well, but by the whole analysis time in october I was informed that I have problems and it should be now to start fixing it. Since then I was sick. Of course I didn’t spend a half a year in hospital, but I don’t think I spend a 2 weeks time without being at general doctor or in a specific hospital. One problem was cured, another appered, and so on. The last call was internal organs rupturing which made me really think “are you just fucking kidding me, body?” Sometimes I was actually wondering if i didn’t use up all the yearly sick leaves.
This situation was very getting in the way of other aspects of my life. I was skipping trainings while being sick, then when I was feeling better my training results got worst, then I would get sad from it… but not for too long, cuz soon I would get sick again.
Keen on living
All this led to a very depressive state of mind. I know it can’t be called a depression by medical description, thank god, but it was still pretty crappy.
To get a full picture I must say I was never a much cheerful person balancing between pessimist and realist. As long as I remember myself I was thinking about suicide, sometimes from the point of anger with life’s troubles, sometimes with pure curiousity. After certain life events I stopped thinking about it, because felt how paintful it might actually be.
Recently I realised of more and more often going back to a song line from Robbie Williams “I don’t wanna die, but I’m not keen on living either.” which was precisely describing my attitude to the topic.
Very often I replied that I feel happy and I ment it when saying. But most of the time I didn’t. But Not not feeling happy. I didn’t feel anything at all. That’s the worst and that’s what’s depressing theoretically.
There’re still things that I enjoy doing, but before those things made me happy, and now there’re just things that I do because I have to be doing somethings and I like the rest of things even less.
Meditating is like getting into water
I do wonder though that this is probably the closest I’ve been getting to the state of bliss, not being consumed by desires, not spending time worried about things I can’t influence, not fighting not-my-wars, etc. That’s part of what I wanted to breed in myself, so what’s wrong?
The simple answer is to meditate more. I had some hard core life moments that showed that whiout meditations I’m getting unbalanced very soon. Sadly I think I don’t like meditations as much as I don’t like water. When I was little I hated water, showering etc. I was screeming bloody murdered when trying to take a shower, that’s why more often I had baths. But I still hated the contact with water, it was ticking me, it was making me nervous and scared. Maybe past life dying in water did it’s job. In any case everything was different the moment I already was in water – I didn’t want to get out and enjoyed it. Same with meditations – I came to them as a necessary I-don’t-like to balance myself, frankly saying beating what-i-considered-shit out of me. It’s never a pleasant thing to face own battle scars. Getting myself to meditate is hard for me, because I know if I’m doing it I still have issues. But when I start I don’t want to stop. I hope one day I’ll learn to enjoy it like I’m enjoying water now.
There’s really nothing much to do. “Tomorrow I will change and today won’t mean a thing”. I have to train more to make my body fail less, and meditate more to make myself find more answers, if not reach what I should.
Meanwhile I’m surprisingly happy that this attitude pushed me to notice beauty of small things and different details, which developped into using macro photo camera:
What now, baby?
The written above turned out a but in a sad direction, but it shouldn’t. Because this state of depression-like numbness gave me a good lesson how not wanting and not expecting things is actually beneficial for becoming a better higher level self.
Probably as a reward for this understand the destiny sent me on my birthday the best coffee I’ve tasted in czech republic. So i’m writing this in a cute garden coffee place, drinking a delicious coffee and eating icecream, listening to music from 40-s, after (omg!) chatting for some time with waiter, as a happy blissful creature smiling to the fact that I picked a table to match my nail polish color 😀